ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
