I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
