Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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