Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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