i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
