I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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