how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
