Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
