God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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