we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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