i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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