Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
