I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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