i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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