just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
