masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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