my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
