I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
