life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
