i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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