Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
