Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
