Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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