You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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