it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
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He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
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i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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