I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
