It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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