my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
