just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize