Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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