FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
