It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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