i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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