So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
