apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
