Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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