You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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