I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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