The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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