hotel room ftw
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
