one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So much rum. So many feels.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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