I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
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At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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