I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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