remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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