so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
