Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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