Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
