The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
