Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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