You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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