She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
