Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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