i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
