I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
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all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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