Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
