I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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