It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
