I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
