turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
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Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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