I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
