I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
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We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
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Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy