just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
