look no pants
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.